Jason Hutchens: kenny shrine

Jason Hutchens: kenny shrine

This Web page is devoted to Kenny; a troll who has gained the respect of almost all of the readers of the aus.tv newsgroup. Kenny has been sent from "the God" to teach Australians just how wonderful free-to-air television is in Hong Kong. Apart from frequently posting television schedules, he offers unsolicited advice as to how we can improve our dismal lives. This Shrine serves to archive his most sage outpourings.

If you are impressed with the Master's tolerance, feel free to contact him personally by email, I'm sure he'd love to hear from you!

Kenny's Koans

Novice Possum travelled to the Master's hut, to find him watching a video. Asked Novice Possum, "Will it make the world a better place if people in Hong Kong have more advanced video players?". Master Kenny considered her sensible question, and eventually spake, "Not a better place but a better quality in video playback. That's so simple you dumb ass." Novice Possum shook her head in confusion. "Did a scientist from Hong Kong discover penicillin?", she asked. The Master sprang to his feet, and danced mockingly as he chanted, "`did did did did'... are you singing a song?". As she watched the Master perform the `Chicken Tonight' dance, Novice Possum became enlightened.

For forty days and forty nights Novice Chacmul travelled across the desert on his mule, to pay homage to Master Kenny. They met in a brick house, where the Master was installing his new PentiumII 266 PC. Said Novice Chacmul, "I use a 386... I don't feel the need to get a fake dick." Master Kenny closed his eyes, and sighed in exasperation. Finally, he whispered softly, "your dick is not function anyway." Novice Chacmul weighed up the sage words, and was enlightened.

Master Kenny and Novice Fish! sailed across a lake in a magnificent boat. Novice Fish! had become perplexed with the Master's ways. He raised his flippers is despair, and yelled, "I think perhaps your Father used to say `Shut the fuck up Kenny' and over time you've misremembered." Master Kenny pushed Novice Fish! overboard. As Novice Fish! surfaced, spluttering in the icy water, the Master spoke, "your mother was fucked by a shark so you came to this world". As the Master sailed away, he added, "Cats eat fishs". Bobbing in the water, Novice Fish! was enlightened.

Master Kenny and Novice Toastie finished watching Pulp Fiction on the Master's Sony 16" KV-V16MN2. Novice Toastie turned to the Master and complained, "Well, they could have cut it to MA (and leave the FUCKS in)". Even as he inserted a video cassette of infomercials, Master Kenny turned and spoke, "You spend hours and hours everyday here just for complaining that no `Fuck' words on TV? What a fucking, retarded, dumb country-brother?" As Novice Toastie considered these words, the Master added, "You want `fuck', go to sex toy shops then!". At that moment, Novice Toastie was enlightened.

Novice Keith read some of the Master's advice, and became angered. He approached the Master, saying, "I don't think Kenny is really from asiaonline.net. My posts in hk.entertainment which were offensive to Kenny were killed by somebody from netvigator.com!" The Master listened to Novice Keith silently, then told him, "Do you have a job? Are you an Australian Gay Asian who stay home & waiting for Unemployment benefit. Did I embarrase you? I did nothing wrong, Keith So, you are a fucking dumb gay Asian." Novice Keith listened to the Master, and became enlightened.

Novice Louis, increasingly frustrated with the Master's riddles, approached him and spoke, "You must be almost unbelievibly stupid". The Master sighed, replying, "not me but YOU". Novice Louis considered these words, and was enlightened.

Novice Dan was becoming skilled in the ways of the Master. To test his progress, he approached the Master and stated, "You sir, are a DICKHEAD." Master Kenny slowly shook his head with dissapointment before responding with, "you are fucking dick head.. Go to milk your cow..." Dejected, Novice Dan began to walk away. Suddenly, he was enlightened.

The Movie Show

The Piano I watched the last 40 mins on TV live few months ago, "the lady's finger get cut off by her boy friend because she had a love affair with a jungle man!" Finally, she jumped into the sea and kills herself!
Naked Lunch Shit film. ugly creatures and the visual effect much like "Dick Tracy" I watched it on TV live but changed channel when the first commercial break came.
Malice Right now I'm watching "Malice" on TVB-Pearl, anyone ever heard of this film?? It's scarey but I don't understand.
Leaving Las Vegas It is not entertain because it looks like a documentary or a current affair program about prositition. It's boring. If someone told me that there would be a rape sence in the film then I'm sure I will pay more attention to my idiotic box. If a film is lack of plots, a rape sence can really spice it up.
From Dusk Till Dawn The Chinese young boy in the film is cute and that is. It's a stupid vampire movie for kids. Blow his head off. Like playing video game! The girl in the film, what's her name? She also appears in "Cape Fear". Again, I have to press fast-forward often!
Consenting Adults I picked up one VHS tape and watch it. It's a movie called "Consenting Adults" which was taped from TV (not sure when). I fast-forword the first 40 min then found something interesting.. it's about exchanging wives then murdering. Hmmm... excuse me, how common is such kinky stuff in Australia?
French Kiss The girl who got her pass-port stolen met a French guy. Then that French guy help her to find her husband who is having an affair with a French lady.. Am I right? I think it's a comedy, but I didn't laugh at all
Priest How come the credit at the beginning says "BBC production". BBC is a radio station from England right? The film is bad because, unlike other movies, the color was too dull. BBC needs to upgrade their equipment!
The Shawshank Redemption I thought it's a horror movie since the Chinese title "Full Moon Mid-night Fly Away" sounds like a sci-fiction movie. Actually, it's a movie about prison rape. The film was a bit bored and I missed the first hour and fell for sleep after watching it for 30 mins. A guy from Ireland told me this film could change my life! Really?
Pulp Fiction The film is just talk talk talk like a talk show. I didn't think what they say were funny. "How French people called Big Mac??? Quarter??" "Fire, Five Fox", "Tomato sauce = catch up = ketchup"???? Very boring. I taped the film and watched it in the next morning with fast-forward key press a lot!!!
Heavenly Creatures Two lesbians kill one's mother, the film is presented in an opera style, too much opera music at background, boring! the director present the story in a very artistic and abstract way. There was one scene about the lesbian & a guy are having sex and the picture suddenly went to an amuseme park where she was dancing to a stone man. piss me off!

I Love Hong Kong

I suddenly find that how much I love Hong Kong.
I feel that I'm really lucky to be borned here.
Anywhere better than Hong Kong???
We have MD, DVD, all the latest model, we can even catch up what's hot in Japan (paralled import).
So many big shopping malls, nice and beautiful, huge choices of consumer products and cheap (compare to other countries, ha ha ha)
People are wealthy*, the city is advance and nice, superior transportation:
Eastern railway (Trains), Western railyway (Trains), Light Railway, MTR (subway), and the only railway in the world that service the airport!!!

Look at Japan, they actually far worse than us. Expensive living cost, low income, an apartment is bloody expensive, at least twice the cost as in Hong Kong and Japanese's salaries are only 50% higher than us (My teacher told me)!!

If Hong Kong is not that good, why those people who has migrated overseas all coming back**???

Hong Kong is the best, ALWAYS!

*(Note:a doctor in Hong Kong earn HK$60K+ or A$10K+ per month and maximum income tax is only 15%)
** (note: I personally think migrants can*** find a good job overseas)
*** (note: can = cannot)

Kenny's Opinions

Shakespeare I don't know what Shakespeare is but I'm sure your under-pant is a cheap stuff from China.
Star Trek Oh.. ye, a guy in the show has an animal ears... only dumber like you believe he is really come from outer-space.. dumb idoit
Jeans My cousin said that it's common to see an Aussie man has his dick been pushed to the right or left because of his poorly designed jeans (or due to his big cock?)
Washing Machines Actually, you can cover your washing machine with a thick coat. Not only for reducing noise but for good vibration. Sit on it and relax and I'm sure you will get a good orgasm for an hour. You don't need to buy a Panasonic massage lounger.
New Zealanders When I met my Japanese friend in a hostel 2 weeks ago, there was a back-packer from NewZealand in the same room. That NewZealand man has been here for nearly 3 months. He worked as a bartender in a night club and saving money for his trip to South East Asia. He told me that Australians brag a lot, many of them are ignorant and believe that the 100" big-screen TV in "Total Recall" is real.
ABBA I never heard of Ababa (most Hong Kong youth never heard of it, it is an old rock band from swizieland).
Madonna "Madoona - The Girlie Show" on Hong Kong Free-to-air TV in December, 1993 while she was stilling having her concerts been held in Australia. Ever on Australian TV?
Mobile Phones I use phone about 15 times a day (below average). My friend gets his phone rings almost every 10 - 20 mins. The guy behind me got his mobile phone ring 4 times during a 10 min bus journey.
Toastie and Chacmul and Fish! These 3 country-brothers spend at least 3 hours a day here complaining no "fuck" words can be heard on TV. They are retarded, dumb losers. They don't have a proper job so they just sitting in front of their dated, rotatry-dial old TV sets and waiting for "fuck" words. Australian TV, please let them hear some "fuck" word or they can't sleep well...
Telephone Companies Hong Kong Telecom is the only company providing domestic telephone system. All households in Hong Kong pay HK$68 (A$11.3) per month for unlimited access. People here use phone a lot. On average, one hong konger use phone 28 times per day. Since early 1991, all telephone exchanges here had been digitalised, that is "Tone Dialing".
University Well, you know, Australia is selling their education to us, you can see Australian University advertisements on newspapers everyday. Why do they target at us if they don't like us?
Volume Well, back to 10 years ago, I had nothng to complain our TV broadcasting. Until recently, my patient run out. During a TV show (especailly movies), the conversation is soft but action is loud. It's not as exaggerate as Laser Disc but do cause annoying, my father often shout to me "TURN DOWN THE VOLUME!!!"
England From the film, I thought the story background is based on sometime in 19th Century since so many old buildings around. No, I saw cars! God, how come England is so fall-behind? Hong Kong was British's colony but we are so advanced!
Software Do you think that many Australians can afford to pay thousand of dollars for original software? Well, I can tell you that most of the PC users in Hong Kong have Office97 as well as other latest software installed. They can try all kinds of software that you have no chance to do this in your whole life, you dumb ass.
Sex 9 out of 10 Australian male had been to Thailand for cheap sex (Evidence: Australia has the highest HIV rate in Asia-Pacific region)
Aussie Ignorance Next time when I see an Australian says "Well, sorry sir, there is no multi-system VCR in the world. All washing machines in the world are noisy." I really want to point a gun to his/her ass and shoot!
Women Australian woman are rough, sexually hyper-active and not pretty at all.
Video Games Video games in Australia are extremely dated (except for less professional American-designed games), very limited choices the price is ridiculous. A friend of mine who had been to Australia in 1992 told me that all SEGA Mega-bit video game consoles for sale in Australia were made-in-China while the version for sale in Hong Kong were made in Japan.
Australian TV Channel 1: Interview with Back Street Boys (not concert, only interview)
Channel 2: Movie "Romancing the Stone" (5th re-run in last 2 years)
Channel 7: Cheap drama from USA "The Cheap File"
Channel 8: Let's talk about politics (the Government Channel)
Channel 10: US Animation "The Simpsons"
Channel 19: Cheap comedy "Murphy Brown"
DVD No matter how many people says DVDs are great, how high the resolution is. My first impression was the picture is un-natural. And I believe that picture of TV braodcasting (in Hong Kong) is better than DVD!
Western Movies It seems to me that most award winner western films that must be some kinds of wired plot + sex + violence + drug abuse.
Drugs 9 out of 10 Australian take drugs (Evidence: most of those foreginers who had been excuted in Asia are Australian)
Australia Australia is a refugee camp. nearly all Asians in Asutralia are refugees. By the way, it's a dumb, undeveloped, non-hi-tech land, I don't want to go there.
Japan Japanese made better games simply because they invent computers, video games as well as video and audio system. That's simple... And American make better Hamburgers :)
Mr Bean This special program doesn't sound attrctive to me, anyway, I do watch it for a while. Hmmmm.... it's a stage performance. Mr Bean played many roles, a waiter, a church member... I can hear lots of "laughing" (real or fake?) and I just don't think it's any funny. This program was transmitted in stereo (English) with Chinese subtitle.
Neighbours "Neighbour" is a Australian show, right? (my cousin told me that). It was on TVB-Pearl in 1991 for about 2 months then was stopped due to no sponsors.
Chacmul You are really funny. you have too much time fooling around. read everything reply every post. Get a job man. I mean a real job not blow job
TV Ratings TVB-Jade (UHF ch.21 Cantonese) 75% no matter what's on!
TVB-Pearl (UHF ch.25 English) 5%
ATV-Home (UHF ch.23 Cantonese) 23%
ATV-World (UHF ch.27 English) 2%
4-Head VCR's Lucky me, if i was borned in australia, I would believe the inferior 4-head HiFi VCR that cost me a forunate is the latest/best model in the world!

Washing Machines

Many Australians think their washing machines are the best (well, it might be true in 1960 when Panasonic was not born yet) actually they are the worst. Most Australians are using inferior washing machines and they don't realize that.

Whirlpools washing machines are available in Hong Kong. However, it has to compete against other Japanese brand washing machines in the market here. I asked my colleguaes this afternoon if they think Whirlpools is the best washing machine in Hong Kong. One of my colleguae own one and she said no. She complained that it takes nearly one hour to finish a washing while most Japanese brand washing machines take less than 40 min. Whirlpools maybe the best in Australia because it is the only one available there.

Japanese brand... Panasonic brand is the most popular follow by Hitachi .

They are not available in Australia.

Kenny's Quotations

the God send me here to teach you Stop showing off!!!
I hate people bragging. I never insult people unless they insult me first.
Most of (Chacmul's) statements are wrong and without supported evidences. Look at every article he has posted, what a lengthy garbage.
I just want to have funs. I'm to be considered an "odd" guy.
people here are aggressive and disgusting fuck your gf... fuck her with a rotten pineapple... she is a fucking whore.
You probably say "we don't care, we don't want to know" blah blah blah... Fine, you don't need to know because you used to be ignorant idiots. no one interest in reading your crappy, long, boring article.
Can you do this calculation: 14+8/2 = ?? what is a koala?
Hong Kong is not really great... but TV is... Crap in Hong Kong could be a diamond in Australia.
Over 80% white Australian are racists. Australians = Racisms always true.
I'm trying to open my mind, I am watching something what the majority of Hong Kong people don't. Nothing to do at night, so i choose to watch TV.
Please choose good GARBAGE for me please. No, I don't like "Sound of the music"...
A dated, inferior shit goes to Australia and can make lots of money. crap crap crap... only Australian morns will believe you.
A friend of mine told me that not All White Australian Men hate Asians. Poor lonely brother, I know you don't have any friend...
I thought Australian pissing in the street quite often. I guess you must be a fucking stupid dumber.
One doesn't need to speak good English to be sucessed. My job requires me to sit in front of a computer.
My Aunt's son is my cousin, you dumb ass. A fucking dumb asshole like you should stay home.
No, my dog, Jeff, a huge German Shephed is fucking you. Check your asshole. fuck fuck fuck fuck you, fuck off, fuck your ass, fuck your cunt, fuck fuck fuck fuck.... fuck your dog, fuck your pussy, fuck your mouth.. How lovely???
There are more than 600000 people in Hong Kong called Kenny.. HAHAHAHA. WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW.
Powdered toast man has been fucked up by Amercian dung. He believes that his 1976's junk is the current model. Apartments in Asutralia are big, people may have one TV in bathroom, one in each bedroom.
"A piece of shit cost a fortune" is what I heard about Australia... If you believe what this country brother says, you are absolutely a dum idiot...
And you piss off, keep drinking your Kangaroo's urine! Australia might be a nice a country to visit (to some people) if you like bush, cattles, crockcoach (lots of them).
Over 80% Australian holdhouse have TV reception problem. Australia is probably the most yucky country in the world...
I left Australia in March 1995. I don't have a girl friend, why bother to go to cinema??
Why don't you leave a real e-mail address? What a bastard? People sick of your messages not mine...
Please stop bad-mouthing Caucasian. You are racism!!! And for those who bad-mouth Asians, you should die as well. I've been lived overseas for years and not get used to Hong Kong culture after returning home!
If Australia is really god damn good, people should go there for shopping!!! Most Australians are quite narrow-minded, moreover, the majority Asians in Australia are low-educated refugees.
Australians really good in bragging. People like you should have their ass be shooted.
you wouldn't know if you didn't read, did you? I don't want to read
i'm not going to say it again & again because you won't listen. your opinions are welcome.
your VCR is a dido and your mother a big sucker

Comments from the Converted

"I really really love you. Keep going guy. Thanks for spending hours for creating a homepage about HA HA HA HA HA (looks who is an idiot?)" - Kenny

"Just brilliant. I've been following Kenny since day 1. I love the man/boy?" - Rick

"I laughed so hard I came in my pants - twice. You can quote me on that." - Matt

"That Kenny Shrine is the best!! Long live Kenny!" - Andrew

"I'm a huge kenny fan and i'm going to make regular pilgrimages to this holiest of shrines..." - Pinky

"I laughed until I stopped." - Robert

"Close to the funniest site I've seen in ages." - Eric

"It IS the funniest site I've seen in ages." - Robs

"The Kenny shrine is THE funniest site this year!" - Geoff

"Long may he live to enlighten us with more of his wisdom" - ChrisH

"A masterpiece" - Dean

"Thank you for enlightenment. Kenny is the god you dumb ass." - Robin

"Very funny!" - Andrew

"It's so funny. I can't stop laughing at it." - Cazz

"BRILLIANT Stuff" - Novice Toastie

"I appreciated this homepage very much" - Brendan

"This site makes my big cock push to the left AND the right....simultaneously" - John

"It bent my wookie!" - Tim

"After following Kennys posts for the last few months, the web site brought back some wonderful memories." - Ben

"Laughing tears!" - S.

"I loved it .. and it is all his own work!" - Anon

"WE'RE NOT WORTHY! WE'RE NOT WORTHY!" - Evan

"I seek enlightenment at you feet o master" - Trevi

"You white Austrlina big cock dumb ass funny man." - Quentin

"He IS a God ... and I am a dumb ass." - Chris