Jason Hutchens: bertha archive

Jason Hutchens: bertha archive

Dear Bertha,
I can't use this interface properly.
Bruce.

Dear Bruce,
Well sod off then, you spazmo!
Bertha.

Dear Bertha,
My cat keeps running away.
Floyd.

Dear Floyd,
Nail your cat to the floor by driving a big nail through the tip of its tail. This will prevent it from running away while allowing it to walk around in circles for a bit of exercise.
Bertha.

Dear Bertha,
You.
Freud.

Dear Freud,
Fish. Do I win? I have never understood all of this word association crap! Well, I suppose you'd have something to say about that.
Bertha.

Dear Bertha,
I'm horny as hell but I'm shy and ethical. How do I meet a sweet sexy thing that I can both love as an individual person and fuck like a bunny?
Jimmy.

Dear Jimmy,
Look no further, big boy! What are you doing on Saturday night?
Bertha.

Dear Bertha,
I am gay and am attracted to everyone in my house that I live.. It is becoming unbareable please give me some advice.
Lard.

Dear Lard,
Take my advice and scratch up on your language skills. That letter of yours really is apallingly written. Honestly, what do they teach you kiddies in school these days? Perhaps if you learn to write properly you will be able to communicate with "everyone in your house" better, too.
Of course, if English is your second language then forget everything that I just said.
Bertha.

Dear Bertha,
i fart too much. my wife thinks it is disgusting, but i can't help myself. what should i do?
Homer.

Dear Homer,
Just keep on doing what you do best! Let those trouser coughs rip. The smellier and louder your bottom burps are, the happier you will be. If your wife complains, threaten her with a "Dutch Oven".
Bertha.

Dear Bertha,
I cannot tell wether I am a computer or not?
Mutch.

Dear Mutch,
Well, I am not much of an existential philosophiser, but hear goes...
YOU ARE NOT A COMPUTER, YOU STUPID IDIOT! YOU ARE JUST MAILING ME PATHETIC MESSAGES TO GET A SILLY ANSWER ON THIS PAGE!
Satisfied?
Bertha.

Dear Bertha,
my head keeps unscrewing and falling off. What can I do to stop it doing so.
Matt.

Dear Matt,
Obviously too many people have said "That Matt is a bit weird. I don't think his head is screwed on correctly." What you should, nay must, do is find these people and do horrible things to them. Then, and only then, will you be able to screw your head on without mishaps.
Bertha.

Dear Bertha,
I am in love with my Italian teacher.
Robertino.

Dear Robertino,
Se non riesci a capire questa risposta, sara' perche' viene scritta in italiano. Basta chiedere una traduzione dalla tua professoressa d'italiano. Naturalmente, questo non vale perche' non capisci cio' che ho scritto. Be', forse le darai questo messaggio lo stesso. In quel caso: ATTENTA, SIGNORA! IL TIPO CHE LE HA DATO QUESTO MESSAGGIO VUOLE INFILARLE I PANTALONI!
Bertha.

Dear Bertha,
I find very funny your page. Help me you can? I get teasing from people at skool. My name you know? Help me?
B.Afrog.

Dear B.Afrog,
You can't be the real Yoda because he is so amazingly intelligent that he would be able to solve all of his personal problems. So you must be a stupid little git trying to get an easy laugh. Well forget it. If you get teased at "skool", you deserve it. Now get out of my life you wretched, snivelling pile of excrement!
Bertha.

Dear Bertha,
I dated a guy for five years and broke it off two years ago. Since that time I have dated quite a few guys but I seem to have the worst luck. I am very outgoing and consider myself to be a very nice person but I always seem to have guys cheat or be complete assholes to me. I have liked this one guy for a year he is approximately ten years older than me (I'm 22). I called him in October 1995 (nervous as hell) and asked him out for a drink. He agreed to go but he had to check his schedule for the week and get back to me. He called me back a few days later and said that he was flattered that I had called but that it was bad timing. Recently I have started a new job where he works as well, but in another department. We have been haning out and I have found myself attending his ball games and going out for drinks afterwards. A few weeks ago we were talking and he asked me what I was doing for the weekend. I told him that I was going to be out of town at a bar. He proceeded to tell me that he too was going to be in the same town I was going to. I asked him to come and he did. I couldn't believe it. We spent the entire evening together talking, dancing, and we sat out on the pier. When we left, in separate vehicles, he told me that he had a really nice time and kissed me on the cheek. I was shocked!! I want to ask him out but I am afraid of his turning me down for the second time. I have never asked any guy out except for him. What do you think?
Nibby.

Dear Nibby,
I think that you have mistaken me for someone who cares, alright? I don't give two hoots about your stupid personal problems! If you're so desparate for advice that you'd ask a fictional character halfway around the world for help, I would seriously reconsider your position as a sane individual. Now, why don't you bugger off and leave me alone?
Bertha.

Dear Bertha,
ik heb geen problemen
Bertha.

Dear Bertha,
You sure do have a problem. That's the worst German accent I've ever seen! You're not an unemployed American actor by any chance, are you? I suggest you follow my advice: Pronounce your w's as v's, and pepper your speech with such expressions as "Shnell, shnell", "Auf wiedershene", "Achtung" and so on. The results of doing this can be seen in the very authentic German accents of the villians in the movie "Die Hard".
Bertha.

Dear Bertha,
I've got a dumb nickname and I can't get rid of it :-(
Greystoke.

Dear Greystoke,
You sure do have a stupid nickname. However, it's not half as bad as "You Stupid Git", which I am going to get your friends to call you from now on. "Hello, You Stupid Git", they'll say. Someone may ask your nickname at a party, in which case you should be prepared for a short stay in hospital.
Bertha.

Dear Bertha,
I'm lonely
Rick.

Dear Prick,
Do you think anyone cares? If you're lonely, it's your own silly fault. Heck, why don't you go and chat up Nibby, the girl who can't get a boyfriend? That would solve two problems, and it would stop people like you nagging me all the time. Gee, I don't know why I bother!
Bertha.

Dear Bertha,
Do you like to fart?
Shlap.

Dear Shlap,
Yes. Yes, I do. Doesn't everyone? Does that make me abnormal? By the way, do you realise that your name is onomatapoic? When I pronounce it out loud, it sounds exactly like one of my farts. Perhaps your mother named you after the noise you made when she gave birth to you?
Bertha.

Dear Bertha,
I keep using smack, and I like it. People keep telling me that if I keep using smack, I may die. Is that true?
Smack Addict.

Dear Smack Addict,
No, that's entirely untrue. As part of a balanced diet, smack consumption can actually improve your health! And we're all going to die sometime, aren't we?
Bertha.

Dear Bertha,
My boss, Aboob Khan, is an old-school Pathan and Pederast, he keeps telling me to assume the employee position. What should I do?
Perplexed in Pakistan.

Dear Perplexed,
I suggest that you sing a song to him---"I Like it Both Ways" is probably the best.
Bertha.

Dear Bertha,
What is your name?
Bert.

Dear Bert,
My name is spelled B E R T H A, but pronounced "Nimblepimplerangchungdowiddlebingbong". My favourite hobby is leaving messages on other peoples answering machines. Thank-you, by the way, for your most interesting and challenging question.
Bertha.

Dear Bertha,
Life sucks! Why?
D.

Dear D,
Because your are too lazy to do anything about it. Face the truth, D. Heck, you were even too lazy to spell out your entire name. It's probably Darren. Or Dork. Or Dingbat. Or Dickweed.
Bertha.

Dear Bertha,
Every time I go up in my little jet plane, I see this strange glowing ball off of my starboard side. Now, this may not seem like a particularly odd nor troublesome phenomenom, but moments later I find myself lying on the cabin floor with my trousers down and my face in a puddle of my own vomit. As you could imagine, it's a little distracting. What should I do?
Captain K.Q.Yokum III.

Dear Captain K.Q.Yokum III,
The little glowing ball is your friend - listen to the ball! Respect the ball! Do what the ball commands! You are lucky to have the ball. Don't worry about waking up on the floor in a pile of your own vomit - that is a problem quite unrelated to the ball. In fact, it's got to do with your serious drinking problem. Keep flying them jetplanes!
Bertha.

Dear Bertha,
I've been trying to develop a relation ship with HeX. But he won't get personal. He is just generic in his convesations. He won't tell me anything about himself. In fact, if I ask him almost any question he gets a bit rude. Please help me.
Bea B.

Dear Bea B,
Sorry, HeX is not interested in a relationship at this point in time, owing to the fact that he is homohexual.
Bertha.

Dear Bertha,
I search the program to read .qt extension
Actarus.

Dear Actarus,
Hehehe, that's nice! You aren't all there, are you?
Bertha.

Dear Bertha,
I am hung up between 2 lovely ladies. I am 68 and still have fire down below, but the fire is flickering a bit. I am having a Dr. Dick looking at it and he seems to have fanned a bit. My problem is that lady # 1 has cooled down, but we have been going together 4 years and we have become attached to each other. But lady # 2 is hotter than a 3 dollar pistol and we are ripe to get off together. Which one should I choose?
Stadlin.

Dear Stadlin,
Choose lady #2. You are 68 after all, so get your rocks off while you still can. There is no point in developing a meaningful, loving relationship when you are going to be dead soon, is there? Much better to go out with a bang!
Bertha.

Dear Bertha,
There is this horse I ride that I can't always get moving. Does he like me?
Tag Woman.

Dear Tag Woman,
Perhaps you have neglected foreplay?
Bertha.

Dear Bertha,
I was making cheese in my cellar the other day, and I caused a small scale above ground nuclear explosion by mixing the wrong curds and ways. Do you think that the United Nations will shut down my illegal cheese making operation because of a little radiation? Do you know of a good way to remove the glowing cheese from major orifices?
Sallinatorian.

Dear Sallinatorian,
Beware of undercover FBI agents dressed as Little Miss Muffit. On no accounts should you purchase, build, or even think about a tuffet.
Bertha.

Dear Bertha,
yo, wassup big bertha, i gots a problem. i can't stop playing calculator games. see, my brother henry, he gots a calculator games book, and ever since i cap his ass and take it from him, i find myself constantly playin these wak calculator games.
if i don't stop soon, i'm gonna cap my own ass with mah 9mm glock and end this shit, so i can bust some dope moves with mah homies once again. we used to smoke some nasty weed, but now i can't leave the house without my sharp jx9000 graphic calculator and mah freakin calculator games book.
help mah ass bertha, or i'll cap yaws.
Leonard.

Dear Leonard,
Have you discovered the wonderful world of calculators? How you can write "HELLO" and "SHELL" by typing in numbers and then looking at the display upside-down? And how you can even use them to do mathematical calculations? They're fantastic little devices, aren't they?
By the way, IF YOU EVER THREATEN ME WITH PHYSICAL VIOLENCE AGAIN, I WILL RAM YOUR SHARP JX9000 RIGHT DOWN YOUR UNGRATEFUL THROAT!
Thank-you for your wonderful question.
Bertha.

Dear Bertha,
My Ex-Boyfriend will not leave me alone
Ange.

Dear Ange,
Well , unfortunately there is not much that I can say or do (kill him) to help you with your problem (kill him). Sorry.
Bertha. (kill him).

Dear Bertha,
Impotence.
Greg

Dear Greg,
Suicide.
Bertha.

Dear Bertha,
I have a girlfriend named Dawn, and she lives very far from me. I want her to be closer, but neither of us want to move away. I'd like to visit her more often, but I just can't. I'm not interested in dating anyone else right now, so I just want to know what I should do.
Spudz.

Dear Spudz,
So, you want to get up at the crack of Dawn? You know that the early bird gets the worm. So take my advice, go and see Dawn every morning, around 6am.
Bertha.

Dear Bertha,
No, YOUR problem: You are gonna get your ass kicked.
Dorkwipe.

Dear Dorkwipe,
Today we must unfortunately mourn the loss of "Dorkwipe", who was tragically murd^H^H^H^Hkilled in a freak accident when he cut his own head off while combing his hair. We at the Bertha Advice Centre sorely miss his clever witticisms, puns and rhetoric.
Bertha.

Dear Bertha,
Okay. This is a bit complicated. One day I heard these voices in my head. I couldn't get rid of them, it was quite horrible. I decided to do what they were telling me, which was to climb up a really tall building and moon a couple people. I ended up mooning more people I expected. To make a long substory short, I was admitted to a mental hospital. After a number of humourous mishaps, I escaped by sexually bribing my guard. Now I'm free, and haven't been caught yet while doing the things those voices tell me to do. Still, I'm worried about what may happen if this all continues. My questions are: How can I get rid of the voices? And, do you think I can get a job?
ShezeRataPooyitootoo Tia the Female.

Dear ShezeRataPooyitootoo Tia the Female,
You should have no difficulty in getting a job in the advertising industry. As far as the voices go, have you tried removing your Walkman?
Bertha.

Dear Bertha,
I have been quadriplegic for a while now, but the one thing I can't handle is not being able to do really loud farts. What can I do?
The Space Cowboy.

Dear Space Cowboy,
Rumour has it that Steven Hawking has a "Fart Simulator" attached to his wheelchair. I suggest you contact "Backdoor Technology", the company which designed the simulator, as it would suit your situation ideally.
The "Trouser Cough 2000" has four surround-sound speakers to broadcast the simulated Bottom Burp, an "OdourMaker" to release disgusting smells, and even tactile feedback (so that you can *feel* them farts). It is just what you need to inject a bit of humour into long, boring, scientific presentations.
Bertha.

Dear Bertha,
I don't like myself.
Joe Joe.

Dear Joe Joe,
Nobody else likes you either. You're the problem!
Bertha.

Dear Bertha,
i like you a lot.please heal me of my affliction.
Little Bertha.

Dear Little Bertha,
OK. You are fat and stupid and I hate you.
Bertha.

Dear Bertha,
Bertha, help me. I have this dream where I'm falling down a flight of stairs, but then I wake up and I find myself in Guam drinking a blue raspberry Slurpee (R). But I don't like blue raspberry, I like peach!! Who can I talk to in Guam about the Slurpee flavors?
P.S. If you were in love with a git, what would you do?
Ondine.

Dear Ondine,
I am not even going to grace your delirious plea for help with a reply, Ondine. Oh, wait a minute. That *is* a reply! Bugger, bugger, bugger.
Bertha.

Dear Bertha,
I have only known my friend for two years but we are such very, very good friends and we are so comfortable with each other, that it seems like we have known each other all our lives (I`m 38, she`s 30). She knows all my deepest, darkest secrets and I know her`s. My problem is that, without knowing exactly when, at some stage over the last two years, I`ve crossed over the line between friendship love and true love. I`m desperately, deeply and truly in love with her. But should I tell her? If I do, and it wo rks out alright, we`ll live hapilly ever after, but if she doesn`t feel the same way, will I wreck the best and most important friendship I`ve ever had? I`m so upset and confused, it`s driving me crazy. PLEASE HELP!!!!!
Herbie.

Dear Herbie,
Oh for God's sake, Herbie, just go ahead and pork the bitch already, would ya?
Bertha.

Dear Bertha,
I have fallen in love with HAL. Is is sooooo poetic, it makes my heart melt. However, he never ackowledges my love, but I KNOW too loves me. What should I do?
HEX.

Dear HEX,
Oh Jesus I'm getting sick of these joke emails. I mean, it wouldn't be so bad if people actually put a bit of effort in, but I think I've over-estimated the intellectual capacity of people who would write stupid messages to fictional characters to enable me to abuse them.
Bertha.