Jason Hutchens: banner ads

Jason Hutchens: banner ads

ADVERTISING ON THE WEB?

Do you have trouble...

Well, BOB is here to help you!

We'll rush BOB around to your house immediately upon receipt of your cash payment. BOB is a trained commando, and will quite happily bash seven shades of shit out of you, thus doing the world a favour. Order BOB right now! Send your cash to:-

I'M A SPAMMING BASTARD 3 Giddens Crt, North Lake, WA AUSTRALIA 6163

CAMP PIE

Forget SPAM!

Forget Nut Meat!!

Try nutritional Camp Pie!!!

Swimming in a delicious jelly-like substance, Camp Pie contains real meat by-products. It comes packed in an attractive tin, ready to eat whenever common-sense deserts you!

Camp Pie. The meat-like sandwich filler of the modern-day spammer with taste, style, and a sense of identity. For more information about Camp Pie, including a list of Camp Pie vendors near you, send money to cover printing costs to the address below:-

CAMP PIE INFO 3 Giddens Crt, North Lake, WA AUSTRALIA 6163

DATE ROLL-ON

Imagine this hypothetical situation: You've asked a beautiful girl out to the movies, and you need to go one step beyond the call of duty to impress her. What do you do? It's easy. Just splash on a bit of date roll-on, the cologne which will have you smelling like a date!

Like a red rag to a bull, the pungent odour of pure date will have have the girls swooning in no time.

Made from a list of secret ingredients as long as a shaman's anal sphincter, date roll-on is guaranteed to please. To order a lifetime's supply of this eau-de-excreme, send cash to this address:-

DATE PRODUCTS 3 Giddens Crt, North Lake, WA AUSTRALIA 6163

GETTING SUCKED IN BY SPAM?

We all agree that SPAM is the way of the future, but sometimes it is possible to misuse the wonderful advantages offered by SPAM!

SPAM was invented in the early 1990's by Californian businessmen as an advertising network which could survive a nuclear attack, and therefore market home cladding to survivors of the holocaust!

Unfortunately, some greedy "students" from so called "universities" took advantage of this SPAM network, and choked it's bandwidth by sending technical information about their projects to one another. It is hard to understand their motivation, but many level-headed individuals have encouraged the students by requesting copies of their published papers, and this just chokes the SPAM network further!

People seem to forget that it all began with SPAM. It was the brainstorm of the original SPAM pioneers to put their advertising on the Web! Some even allow people to put small amounts of information in-between the advertisements for free!

For more information about the history of SPAM, and for hints on avoiding getting sucked in by Web Advertising, send cash to:-

SPAM, SPAM, SPAM 3 Giddens Crt, North Lake, WA AUSTRALIA 6163

USING TOO MANY EXCLAMATION MARKS?

If you are ending sentences with 20, 30, or even 40 exclamation marks, then you need serious help!!!

Overusing exclamation marks is a sure way to irritate your potential customers! Even Stephen King, the famous American author, sets his "Question Mark Quota" to only three hundred and seventy five per chapter! As he himself writes:-

Before I took the course, I was churning out pulp fiction!!!!!!!!! Now my work has much more credibility with the literati!!!!!!! Critics have been most favourable with my latest titles!!!!!!! I've even learned how to use the semi-colon!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you want to take the course which Stephen King found so beneficial, then rush money to the address shown below. You, too, will learn the secrets of the semi-colon.

HELP!!!!!!!!! 3 Giddens Crt, North Lake, WA AUSTRALIA 6163

TIRED OF COMPUTER GAMES?

"It's really boring shooting the same guys over and over again." - Tommy, age 8

We're with you, Tommy! Ahhhhh, you little larrikin. You can run along and play with your mates if you order our latest, most innovative product. And you'll have the time of your life. Hahahahaha, you're gorgeous!

Just like Tommy, God rest his soul, we were getting bored with playing the same computer games all the time. Where was the realistic blood and screams of anguish which we all secretly crave? Where was the element of risk? Where was the life-time imprisonment?

Well, we developed a new game which does away with those old-fashioned computer doohikeys, and replaces them with good ol' semi-automatic firearms. To find out more, send cash to:-

REAL-LIFE SOFTWARE 3 Giddens Crt, North Lake, WA AUSTRALIA 6163

Looking for Love?
Do you need a hand?

If you're love life is empty, then we're here to lend you a hand!

"Mr. Palm" is a revolutionary lifelike prosthetic hand. Made from a combination of synthetic materials and waterproof leather, "Mr. Palm" will service your every need.

If you are sick and tired of:-

Then "Mr. Palm" is for you! Available in a range of colours and sizes, there is a "Mr. Palm" for every individual. Please specify whether you are right or left handed when ordering.

To order "Mr. Palm", rush money to the following address:-

PATHETIC LONELY BASTARD CO. 3 Giddens Crt, North Lake, WA AUSTRALIA 6163

ARE YOU BEING IRRADIATED?

For decades, scientists have been telling us not to sit too close to our television sets!

Well, they were right!!!

The irradiated electrons emmitted from your television set travel at tremendous speeds, through your eye-membrane and straight into your retina! Imaging the damage they are doing to your vision, and your brain!

Have you ever felt lethargic while sitting in front of the TV? Then perhaps you are suffering from irradiated retinas!

Do you regularly "channel surf"? Whoah! Irradiated retinas again!

Perhaps you think "Third Rock From The Sun" is a quality sit-com? Have I got news for you! You're suffering from mental delusions caused by... you guessed it... IRRADIATED RETINAS!!!

RUSH cash to the address below, to find out the SECRET the government has been HIDING from you... the secret which describes how to PROTECT your retinas by NEUTRALIZING your television! Rush your cash payment to:-

ME EYES HURT! 3 Giddens Crt, North Lake, WA AUSTRALIA 6163

HEY, BIG BOY!

"My name is Kellie. Me and my friend want you to watch us as we smear our naked bodies with "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!" We also want to do phone sex, so phone us up and we'll pretend we're having sex! But don't phone during the day 'cause we've got to go to school! Hehehe!"

To learn how to write like a teenage girl, send cash to the address below. We include secrets such as buying the right pens (you need ones which smell like bubblegum), putting little love-hearts above your i's, and many more! If you want to make money from the Internet, you must learn to write like a young girl! Order now, and we'll include a free canister of helium gas, for that extra realism when you start honouring those phone-sex calls!

PRETENDING TO BE A YOUNG GIRL 3 Giddens Crt, North Lake, WA AUSTRALIA 6163

WATER: DRINK IT NOW!!!

Aaaaaaahhhhhhh, the refreshment!

Aaaaaaahhhhhhh, the excitement!!

Aaaaaaahhhhhhh, the nutritional value!!!

Aaaaaaahhhhhhh, WATER!!!

For generations, scientists and health professionals have been advocating the use of water in a balanced diet. Latest scientific studies validate these claims. Water is beneficial to your health, when used according to directions.

Millions of "users" around the world can't be wrong! Already a huge hit in America, water is now available throughout homes in Australia!

To find out whether you are utilising your tap-water supply to its full potenial, and to discover the wonderful healing powers of water, send for your free booklet "WATER: How do I use it?". Write to the address below, including a stamped, self-addressed envelope, and enough cash to cover postage and handling costs. WATER---you can't live without it!

WATER INFORMATION 3 Giddens Crt, North Lake, WA AUSTRALIA 6163